Beginning of Backsliding

Ladies and gentlemen gather round, gather round sights the like you’ve never seen on these here shores. Peruse the many palpable pleasures produced for your perusal. Lay your eyes upon the averagely strong man able to carry heavy groceries without complaining more than he believes he is entitled to. Meet the woman with some amounts of hair. How much you ask? As much as she desires to have at the moment and get off her back sonny; it’s her life let her live it. Be confounded by the mystery that is this dog I found. What does he do? What is his breed? Nobody yet lives who knows the tale. Finally, we have our greatest sight, hidden in that big tent yonder. I warn those of you with weak hearts, faint constitutions, small bladders, trust issues, minor anxiety, low bank account statements, lower back situations, tinnitus, insomnia, propriety barbeque blends, rhinovirus, rhinoceros, plesiosaurus, please let this joke stop sometime soon, spontaneous song and dance numbers, and irresistible knitting to please enter the main tent at your own risk. When ready witness the wordy wonders of a western writer. Watch as he wrestles to wring whatever works from wandering and worrying. Wrought words of worth become written record. Shows start once a week whenever our main event decides he has enough free time to grace the world with his indispensible wisdom. Copper for a peek, and a nickel for a poke, at least that what I tell the womenfolk.

Alright, I think that about counts as an intro. So, in the current week for no for no particular reason that I can pinpoint, I have been just feeling just the most lazy. Irrepressibly lazy with my only desire being to harness the powers of free and mindless entertainment to make the minutes pass. There are no traumatic experiences I am attempting to hide from, and no negative feelings forcing me to find solace in inactivity. I am just beset upon by the recommended videos section of Youtube. Although rather fitting for the theme of this post, this attitude and behavior was on the docket as what I wanted to touch upon. Let us all give a half-hearted hooray for poor habit synergies.

As our home began to impress its positive and negative character upon us; and as we prepared for our new occupation, there was another quirk which to a technophobe like me considered a quirk. For the other person in the home, the one who does not lie awake at night contemplating the rise of the machines, it was less of a quirk and more reminiscent of being stranded thousands of miles away from friends, family, and your own language. Our new place was lacking in the wireless fidelity. This little turn of events could be interpreted as having ups and downs.

You see I am, gasp, a filthy Millennial. As the generation that bridged the gap between life pre-digital and post us all being integrated into the Matrix, a large amount of my life is dedicated towards finding a positive balance between the two. As a self titled technophobe recording his life for the internet to witness, I’d say that I’ve had varying degrees of success. I was old enough that I remember living and doing things in the time prior to my family first attaining the internet in all of its 56 kilobytes of glory. The very ebb and flow of daily existence changed and I went from having to entertain myself to never being without entertainment. So much wasted time. I mean as a child I remember just playing, using my imagination, and the world around me to pass the days. However, these moments were replaced minute by minute as the siren’s digital call brought me closer and closer to the computer and the joys that it could bring. I never got the chance to experience a more adult means of life before the effortless entertainment of the web became near inseparable from my daily existence. It is a bad habit that only became reinforced as brick phones gave way to smart phones.

As I have lightly hinted at in the past I have a problem with wasting time. At this point I am not sure if that is because of or in addition to my reliance on computerized diversions. So it is that a not inconsiderable part of the reason that I felt that this entire European venture would be beneficial was that I wished to break my cycle of inactivity. My protective barrier from the stresses of the real world, a handy little escape from parts of my life that are now gone. So I wanted to regain my future from the destructive force of remaining stationary.

I look back on all the wasted time in my past with a measure of regret. However, this regret is only a modern filter with which to view the past. At the time, all of my temporally frivolous activities (from a plethora of video games to just so many Youtube videos) were so very informative to whom I am now. I would have continued to pass my life with these diversions forever without a shred of guilt if I hadn’t discovered something to drive me. I’m not sure why it took me twenty years of my life to discover, but I absolutely love the creative process. As might have become apparent I have a spark for writing, this isn’t a boast of quality, only the expression of desire. I want to create, I wish to become better, and not just in the realm of literature. My college education was focused on studio arts. When I had a deadline, and some accountability to produce creativity, I was at my happiest. I gave the feeling of progressing to a better state of self. It’s only now that I have discovered a personal goal that I feel the sting of guilt and reprobation when I spend an entire 72 hours improving myself and practicing my passions with all of the fervor of a sea cucumber.

Even though I have passions, would you like to know what is easier than working on your hopes and dreams? Nothing. Returning home from a day of work and losing yourself in just the sheer inactivity that can be delivered so well by the computers is so very simple. I do fully realize that sorting my issues is an issue of willpower not geographic location. However, I wasn’t writing a weekly blog about my life experiences back in the states was I? No, self, no you were not.

So it was that upon realizing that our new apartment would be without the great system of tubes in the sky I was overjoyed. This was the means of my deliverance. This is how I would reach past the part of me holding on to an outmoded childhood notion of self responsibility. Without the ability to distract myself I could make progress towards the theoretical more perfect me. To a certain extent, this is what happened. For that first magical week of time, I was free of disturbance. I began to write, I began to draw, and I began to read physical books for the first time in years. It was a time of flowering hope and renewed hope for the future, all the while I was marking the time it would take until regression.

However, of the opposing mind, was the woman with whom I had agreed to share this little adventure with. She did not make an internal promise to herself to improve her artistic abilities through monastic sequestering from the exterior world. As such she was unprepared and unhappy to fill the hours of the day with nothingness. After a few days of having nothing to do and having her boyfriend ignore her for his own self aggrandizement, my girlfriend derived purpose in the only means she could. Utilizing her prior experience in the theater, she adopted a personae to better see her through the boring ordeal. Her grand muse was the modest caterpillar. Said caterpillar would crawl on the floor with undulating motion, followed by the unexpected thespian delight of her rolling back and forth before grabbing on to my leg to better introduce me to the floor.

But as it is that you are reading this on a computer screen and not a stone with words chiseled into its side mailed randomly, it may become apparent that I did indeed get the internet hooked up in our place. As such all of the negatives of interconnectivity have indeed reared their ugly mugs into my life and livelihood. So in these past six months I haven’t made leaps and bounds so much as crawling scrambling spasmodic motions in the correct direction. I am not disappointed though as forward is still the direction I wander.

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